HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how's everybody?

Pope Francis gave a lengthy sermon on Pentecost Sunday telling worshippers the Holy Spirit gives Christians the energy to tirelessly proclaim peace. The service lasted 3 hours. A lifetime of attending church has taught me that there’s a fine line between a long sermon and a hostage situation.

The Louisville Police are reported set to drop charges against Scott Scheffler after he put a cop in the hospital, was jailed, released no bail, then given a police escort to the 1st tee at the PGA. You just can’t beat white privilege. Today Walgreen’s gave Scheffler the key to the toothpaste and deodorant aisle.

Red Lobster filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday in hopes of saving the restaurant chain by reducing locations and selling assets. Red Lobster made the worst business decision since New Coke when they began offering customers Endless Shrimp just as most states were legalizing marijuana.

A Daily Mail survey says 25% of Americans want their state to secede, higher in the South, plus in Alaska, California and New York. I saw this coming last week when a Virginia school was renamed for Lee and nobody objected. A break up is so imminent Taylor Swift should write a song about it. 

The Kansas City Star urged the KC Chiefs to fire kicker Harrison Butker for his conservative family values speech to a Catholic college. The paper wants him replaced with a female kicker. This opens the door for P. Diddy, who has video to prove why he’s the most feared female kicker in the nation.

2016. Diddy posted a video Monday in which he apologized for his violent behavior on display in a hotel hallway video recorded in 2016. It caught him brutally beating and kicking and dragging his girlfriend. The Los Angeles Police saw the video and couldn’t decide whether to arrest Diddy or hire him.

Donald Trump’s hush money trial is slated to wrap up this week in New York. Every minute of the trial has monopolized the attention of the media for five weeks now. Say what you want about Michael Cohen, but he ended the war in Ukraine and stopped the flood of migrants on the Texas border.

Michael Cohen admitted on the stand Monday that he stole $60,000 from Trump. He secretly recorded conversations with his clients and was sentenced to four years in jail for lying to Congress and a federal judge. Today the William Morris Agency offered Cohen seven figures and a corner office.

President Biden gave the commencement speech at Morehouse College in Atlanta on Saturday where he was awarded an honorary doctorate. That’ll come in handy. From now on, whenever Joe is caught on camera sniffing the hair of the women and girls he hugs, he can say, it’s okay, I’m a doctor.

Joe Biden and Trump were clocked talking far more about themselves than the voters in their last two speeches. They’ll never be as self-centered as a comedian. Sometimes I think that the hatred between Democrats and Republicans is my fault because I didn’t forward that e-mail to ten other people.

President Biden gave the black graduates of Morehouse College a blistering commencement speech painting Republicans as racist against blacks. He played the wrong race card. Black folks and white folks have a hard time getting along in Los Angeles because neither one of us speak Spanish.

Iran’s President Ebrahim Raisi, known as the Butcher of Teheran, died in a helicopter crash along with Iran’s foreign minister and seven others. Raisi was the second-most powerful man in the Islamic Republic. The Ayatollah issued a statement Monday declaring gravity to be a Zionist conspiracy.

The UN honored the memory of Iran’s president Monday who was killed when his helicopter crashed in the mountains of Iran during a heavy fog. However he won’t be lost to posterity. While not quite the same as Mount Rushmore, Iran now also has a president’s face on the side of a mountain, too.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].