Still Waters: Inventions of the bizarre nature

I really shouldn’t be saying anything, because the news is embargoed until Wednesday, August 2, but I’m going to let the salt out of the shaker. On that date “the world’s first interactive centerpiece and ‘smart’ salt dispenser” will be announced. “With its stylish design, built-in mood-lighting and a Bluetooth speaker to play music, the device helps set the perfect ambiance — anywhere, anytime.” Apparently the “smart” salt dispenser (Are there “dumb” ones?) also has a metering mechanism that “allows users to easily dispense the desired amount of salt with a simple press of a button, placing the exact amount in a small, removable tray at the bottom of the device.”

That’s in case you don’t trust yourself to shake the appropriate amount of salt out of your “dispenser” on your own.

“Using the companion app, users can also make intuitive hand gestures with their smartphone to dispense salt, from shaking their phone to shake salt out of the device, to pinching the screen of their phone to dispense a pinch of salt. When paired with Alexa, consumers can use simple voice commands such as, ‘Alexa dispense half a teaspoon of salt’.” 

Seriously? Some inventors have way too much time on their hands.

I’d take this invention with a grain of salt.

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And speaking of salt, The Little Kernel, a miniature popcorn brand (is there actually a market for small popcorn?), introduced “summer-friendly flavors like Truffle Sea Salt, Sweet & Salty and Pink Himalayan Salt.”

Whether or not they used a smart salt shaker is unknown, but this mini popcorn is popped in 100 percent pure olive oil and is gluten-free, non-GMO, dairy-free, kosher and made with whole wheat.

Sounds yummy doesn’t it?

They lost me at “little.”

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We may have missed National Jerky Day on June 12, but I’m sure the Beef Jerky Outlet still has some chocolate-covered bacon jerky left. If that one doesn’t fit your feminine-yet-bacon-loving side, then there are 100 other varieties from traditional prime rib jerky to venison, alligator and kangaroo. (Say it isn’t so!)

If you still have an appetite, the outlet stores also sell “fun treats” (they actually called them that) like bug-laden lollipops and flavored crickets.

I’m thinking the folks who thought these were “fun treats” are from another continent … or planet.

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Leaving food items for a moment (now that you’re going to scrutinize your next lollipop to make sure it doesn’t have a “surprise” inside), there’s newly introduced, Pyro Pet Candles. “animal shaped candles that look all beautiful and innocent on the outside, but once the wax melts down…the animals skeleton is revealed underneath! Keep the skeletons after the candle has gone, for a quirky decor item.”

“Quirky” doesn’t begin to cover it. Maybe “macabre” is more like it. I guess anyone who decorates a home with Day of the Dead décor might light this sort of thing. I’m not too keen on looking at an animal skeleton, with or without the candle.

By the way, there are 12 animal candles to choose from like Hoppa the rabbit that comes in peach and white, with a silver skeleton. Each candle should have a burning time of approximately 16 hours, so you know when to freak out the rest of the family with the skeleton inside.

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It’s still summer for a little while, so head to the pool with Girltrunks, “a swimwear line for the modern-day woman who wants to completely eliminate the dreaded bathing suit drama and just feel comfortable, confident and stylish.” Maybe not “modern-day” (or I’m guessing not so stylish either) as much as hearkening back to say, 1880, Girltrunks cover the legs and lower body. At only $79 (must be because there’s more fabric in them), they are available in sizes 4-24. If you wear size 4, why would you want Girltrunks?

These might be just the thing for the dad with the teenage daughter. If he can’t get her to wear them, he can wade into the water in them right next to her, and that should scare off any potential suitors!

Happy rest of the summer, and don’t take candles from strangers.