Julianne Kaufman was so kind to reach out to me today. “We’ve been out of touch for a while,” she emailed. Out of touch? We’re so “out of touch,” Julianne, I don’t even know who you are. It turns out my good friend Julianne was offering me a stock tip, 10 cents a share that will turn around at $1.30 in no time. I think her stock tip was based on insider trading, a guy who apparently knew of an imminent takeover that could make us all rich if we got in on this great deal “at just pennies.” I think we’ll remain “out of touch,” Julianne.

Another great deal, and this one is going to save the planet but will require extra water to clean these up in the dishwasher (so figure that one out!), is the reusable snack and sandwich bags that another email offered in time for Earth Day.  They are environmentally friendly and free of harmful BPA, PVC, latex and phthalate (phthalate sure keeps me up at night!) Each set includes two snack and two sandwich bags, “available in fruit-themed Orange Line,” for only $7.99. Why does saving the earth have to be so expensive?

But if you’ve got money to burn, Gwen Wunderlich from Madison Avenue is offering avocado jewelry for as little as $60 (sterling silver necklace of an avocado, for heaven’s sake!) or as much as $1,100 for the 14K gold diamond pendant. If you’re going to wear an avocado around your neck, why not make it 14K gold? Or maybe you’re into artichokes, carrots, onions or tomatoes. They have those in bracelets “available in natural, black, brown or white.” Makes me hungry for a salad.

“Packable Hoodie with life-changing pocket,” the email announced in bold letters. Apparently the “life-changing pocket” in the front of the hoodie has space for a PC, if folks want to walk around with a PC strapped to their chest. I don’t know about you, but when I think “life-changing,” the first thing that comes to mind is not a hoodie with a pocket.

And then there’s the Anqing Kason Import & Export Company from China that offers every kind of health care patch imaginable — detox food patch, wonder slim patch, pain relief patch, anti-mosquito patch, anti-smoking patch, menstrual womb patch, eye patch, skin lightening patch, energy patch, carsickness patch, male kidney patch, fever cooling patch, corn removal patch, and — I kid you not — a breast enlargement patch. Maybe it has a helium element.

One company I am not buying stock in (not that I’m buying stock in any company) is Aring Plus, which is reviving the pogs of the 1990’s through the “most crazy & chill adult party games in the legendary POG form called Drink & Green Edition (for adults only).” I would think only someone who was already pretty drunk would think playing with pogs would be fun. Some things are better left in the 1990’s.

Furthermore: “We are thrilled to launch a new collection of products from Beard Guyz! From beard growth serum, beard butter, and beard scents, the new collection is available this Spring at an affordable price point at retailers nationwide. Please let me know if you are interested in additional information or product samples.” No thanks. I don’t need any serum to grow my beard. I inherited all the beard growth serum I need from my grandmother.

Another item just out — and I mean far out — is the “Fuzzy Balls” fragrance “created to smell like opening a new can of tennis balls.” It will help tennis fans (March 6 was World Tennis Day, by the way) to “get a little closer to the action.” I’m not convinced getting “closer to the action” would be all that fragrant. Most of the tennis balls I’ve known were fuzzy all right but smelled either like sweat or dog slobber.

This might be the best deal yet, for anyone who can understand it: “Schönen Tag,
Ich bin Dougal Brech, Geschäftsführer der Credit Suisse im Investment
Banking London. Ich habe eine tiefe glauben, dass Sie sehr ehrlich sein,
engagiert und in der Lage mich in diesem Geschäft Venture unterstützen.”

I think it might be an offer for the London Bridge.