The past weeks have been a real hardship on Ol’ Dutch.
What with the loss of Cooper the Yorkie, and then my father it's been hard. Neither was unexpected but somehow that does not make it any easier.
Whenever we go through any kind of hardship it brings out the “well meaning” in people. I guess they do their best to comfort a person in these times, but it often falls short.
I have made this observation before, but I think it bears repeating. Especially since some folks are not listening to my wisdom.
No hard times that people experience can ever feel the same or affect friends and family in exactly the same way. But, for lack of better things to say in times of loss, many have fallen back on saying “well, it could have been worse.”
I gotta give it to you on that one. Yes, of course it could. I mean a person in a car wreck and barely surviving has to know it may have been worse. But then again, if worse was “dead” is that really bad? Especially knowing Heaven awaits us on the other side, which must be better than here. Hence that conundrum
My hatred for “it coulda been worse” began long ago when the wife ran off and I ended up homeless of a sort. Yes, I did get an apartment then an RV but lost my farm and the house I had built with my own two hands.
My fair-weather friends, some with two homes were sure to point out how “lucky” I was as, yup, you got it. “It coulda been worse.”
I think what's funny about that is that these well-meaning folks feel better about themselves if they have assured you that where you are really isn't so bad.
They feel so good about uttering useless platitudes, in fact, that they no longer feel the need to help you in any way.
In my situation, I have now lived 12 years full-time in an RV. When I talk about not having a home, they are always sure to point out just how “lucky” I am to live on the road.
And “we sure wish we could do that.” That one deserves a reply that can't be printed in this family friendly column.
When Cooper died rather suddenly a few weeks ago, instead of saying what a great dog he was or how much they enjoyed seeing him, several people said that they, too, had lost a dog 20 years ago and knew just how I was feeling. But they didn't know how I was feeling. They could only know their own experience, not mine.
I think the icing on the cake was when my dad passed two weeks ago and here came a tsunami of sympathy.
Since my Dad was 93, a well-wisher told me that I should feel so lucky because their own Dad passed away at a much younger age.
Which of course turns the conversation to them and their loss some years ago.
Or a long litany of: it could be worse. He could be in a home with dementia. Or, he could be suffering. Or just be thankful you got to see him at the last. I never did with my dad. Which implies of course, “it coulda been worse.”
Now Ol’ Dutch has been around long enough to know that people are well meaning but I think maybe, just maybe we need a few lessons and phrases we can pull out of the hat when tragedy strikes a friend.
To the people who simply said, “I am so sorry” or "I know how much he must have meant to you” and “if you ever need someone to talk to, I am always there for you.” And finally, “what a terrible loss for you at this time.” To all of you, I salute you!
Words won't alleviate any of the pain a person is feeling, but these simple phrases do help to keep us grounded in reality rather than being place in a hypothetical torture scenario of “it could been worse.”
If I'm going to think about fictional scenarios, I would much rather live in a world that, coulda been better, not worse.
Kevin Kirkpatrick spends his days fishing, hunting, ATVing, hiking or making people laugh. His email is Kevin@TroutRepublic.com. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.
